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DIVORCE and kid...
By Lindsay Kite
When 9,811 of Utah’s married couples called it quits in 2004, they weren’t alone
in bearing the painful burdens of divorce. That number more than doubles when
considering the additional 9,900 Utahns who struggled right alongside them:
their children.
About 350 Cache Valley kids faced family splits that same year, and despite many
parents’ efforts to protect them from the damage of divorce, it’s likely that
few of their experiences were painless.
For Susan Campbell of Hyrum, her 1989 divorce manifested its effects in
different ways for each of her five children — from diminishing self-worth and
loss of friendships to falling grades and failed marriages.
“They each talked to me about their pain,” she said, “but they each experienced
a different type of pain.”
At 20, Campbell’s daughter Cristine (now Cristine Sosa Price of Hyrum), felt the
effects of her parents’ 22-year-marriage coming to an end just as she was
preparing to begin her own.
“It affected my whole experience with marriage,” the now divorced and remarried
mother of two said. “Whether consciously or subconsciously, I knew that there
were no guarantees when it came to marriage. Divorce was an option — and maybe
even inevitable.”
But Campbell, then a homemaker with a master’s degree in family and human
development, had never considered divorce to be an option until she saw no other
alternatives.
Despite feelings of failure and despair, she immediately returned to school and
earned a Ph.D. and license in marriage and family therapy, which she puts to
work at the Family Institute of Northern
Utah as an instructor for divorce education classes.
With 12 children combined between Campbell and her new husband of six years, Don
Pinkerton, the couple has gained plenty of experience in trying to minimize the
negative effects of divorce on kids.
Because the already distressing process is often exaggerated by court battles
and battling parents, Campbell did the best she could to handle the custody
decisions and mediation outside the courtroom. This included giving her children
a say in where to live and attend school, which they had to coordinate
themselves with the help of school counselors.
“They needed to know they were in charge — that they were active participants
and not feeling like they were being shipped around,” Campbell said.
Price, now a master’s-level psychotherapist who split from her first husband
when her daughters were 1 and 5 years old, has put her experiences to use in
helping her now 10- and 14-year-old daughters through the rough adjustments.
Joint custody, self-mediation and giving her daughters a voice turned out to be
the best options for her young family, just as they were for her parents.
“We’ve created our own schedule,” she said while pointing out the pink and blue
blocks on the family’s color-coded calendar. “If you can get to the point where
you can personalize it, flexibility is definitely best for the kids.”
Since this type of coordination requires regular communication between the
ex-spouses, the biggest trial for both Campbell and Price has been letting go of
the resentment that often accompanies the demise of a marriage.
“People always tell divorcing parents to make sure you never speak badly about
the other parent, but I think you can’t even feel badly,” Price emphasized.
“Kids will feel the tension even if you are so careful. They can be highly
perceptive.”
The mother and daughter both acknowledged that the turning point in their
painful divorces came when they were able to forgive their ex-husbands.
Since then, both men have felt comfortable moving to the same area as their
ex-wives and children and also sharing holidays and other family get-togethers,
which has become a “win-win situation” for both parents and the kids, they
explained.
“It was awkward at first, but it is important because neither of us wanted to be
without the children,” Susan said. “It is a minor sacrifice compared to
everything we get out of it.”
This sacrifice has become one of many as the couples have tried their best to
ease the burdens of divorce on their families.
Even stepping back and allowing the other parent to have control can be a
sacrifice for divorcing parents, but both Campbell and Price now recognize it as
a necessity.
“You have to get to the point where you feel the other person has and deserves
the opportunity to have the same relationship with the kids as you do,” Price
said as Campbell chimed in. “Be conscious of the children’s safety, but trust
the other person to care for the children their way.”
BOX: Top three tips to minimize negative impacts of divorce on children,
provided by Dr. Brian Higginbotham, Extension specialist and assistant professor
of family, consumer and human development at USU:
1 Spend one-on-one time with each child: “The most potent predictor of a
positive outcome for a child is a caring, nurturing adult. At least one parent
must remain extremely involved and loving.”
2 Never fight in front of the children or use them against the other parent as a
pawn, spy or messenger.
3 Provide consistency and predictability for the child: “When the fundamental
unit falls apart, it calls into question all kinds of things. Be clear on rules
and expectations and how they will be enforced.”
“Divorce may end a marriage, but it doesn’t end a family. Both parents should
work together for the well-being of the individuals and the family.”
Campbell suggests the Family Institute of Northern Utah, the Child and Family
Support Center, CAPSA and Bear River Mental Health as local resources for
families experiencing divorce.
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